Well.. I am on a mission to change my eating habits and try to get into the routine of cooking nice healthy meals. I suppose some would call it a diet but I want to do this forever. I want to look good and lose weight. I want to be perfect for my husband and be confident in how I look. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being a fat mom.
It has been really hard for me the past few months. Probably even more so for Lee. I have been so tired and everytime I get better I start to randomly fall asleep in places again. I want to craft and play with our children. I want to be productive and be a wonder woman for him and I feel like I am letting everyone down. I am not living life to its full potential because I can't.
I am 100% sure now that this is caused by the central nervous system damage. The medical term for that is M.E but I don't like to say it. I don't know why.. It feels dirty and fake. I did a lot of research into it and as soon as I read the medical report I felt like I had a reason, an explanation for being so abnormal. It is in the last stages of finalization now to be proven as a real illness and there are tests but I haven't even gone to the hospital for my fractured pelvis yet! I don't want to tell anyone because they will assume it is an excuse. They will also probably assume I claim for disabillity but I can promise on my childrens lives that I don't and never will. My husband goes through hell everyday and I believe disability money is for people like him.
As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I am exhausted. I feel like I want to cry constantly because there is so much I want to do and so much guilt for not doing it. I push friends and family away because I feel like I can't deal with them right now. I just want to sleep.
Sorry for the long rant. Just feeling over tired and miserable lately.