Thursday, April 17, 2008

Diets always start Monday :)

Well.. I am on a mission to change my eating habits and try to get into the routine of cooking nice healthy meals. I suppose some would call it a diet but I want to do this forever. I want to look good and lose weight. I want to be perfect for my husband and be confident in how I look. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being a fat mom.

It has been really hard for me the past few months. Probably even more so for Lee. I have been so tired and everytime I get better I start to randomly fall asleep in places again. I want to craft and play with our children. I want to be productive and be a wonder woman for him and I feel like I am letting everyone down. I am not living life to its full potential because I can't.

I am 100% sure now that this is caused by the central nervous system damage. The medical term for that is M.E but I don't like to say it. I don't know why.. It feels dirty and fake. I did a lot of research into it and as soon as I read the medical report I felt like I had a reason, an explanation for being so abnormal. It is in the last stages of finalization now to be proven as a real illness and there are tests but I haven't even gone to the hospital for my fractured pelvis yet! I don't want to tell anyone because they will assume it is an excuse. They will also probably assume I claim for disabillity but I can promise on my childrens lives that I don't and never will. My husband goes through hell everyday and I believe disability money is for people like him.

As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I am exhausted. I feel like I want to cry constantly because there is so much I want to do and so much guilt for not doing it. I push friends and family away because I feel like I can't deal with them right now. I just want to sleep.

Sorry for the long rant. Just feeling over tired and miserable lately.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Hi Mel, I stumbled across your blog whilst blog hopping and had to leave you a comment. I have experience of ME, and I understand completely where you are coming from ;) I have felt a failure, and that I have let my family down, but I have also learned to listen to what my body is telling me, and although I am never going to be superwoman, I can now look after my family when once I couldn't look after myself :)
I wish you all the best on your healthy eating plan, and hope that sometime in the near future you will find the energy you have lost, so you can get back to living life to the max with your gorgeous family :) xx